I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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