TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
