I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
