Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
