what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
