If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I AM VODKA MAN
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
