i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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