Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
