He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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