I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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