Your dad touched me again.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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