Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
