I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
