I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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