i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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