So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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