She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize