Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
