Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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