I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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