There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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