Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
