I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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