My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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