Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
