Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
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