I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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