please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
