Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
