My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
