I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
We smell like vodka and hangover
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