he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
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