Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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