My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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