and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
