How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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