I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
