you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
