This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I need a burrito and a hug.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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