is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
