Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
