tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
