my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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