I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
