I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
