TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
