she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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