today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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