By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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