Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
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