now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
