she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
