please come you make the beer taste better
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
