i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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