I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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