Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
