I hope mine doesn't look like that
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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