Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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