i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
